As I write I am full of competing emotions. I am struggling with how to express my heart. I have spent time reflecting on my time here in Fiji and I keep thinking to myself 'how are you feeling so many things at one time?' So as I try and verbalize these things trapped within, bear with me. I hope that I am able to present it with little confusion.
My heart is so full of joy.
It feels as thought it could burst open! I have been so blessed during my time here. God has been so faithful. It is such a privilege to be serving along side these amazing girls. I have had the opportunity to see God work in each one of their lives and watch them grow in their relationship with the Lord! Its such a joy to see God transform a life, and to see it happen before my very eyes is so incredible. We have laughed, cried, worshiped, prayed, ate, slept, grown both individually and as a family. I am so thankful that God has brought these sisters into my life. I am so excited to see how God continues to use them! I know that each one of them is going to do amazing things.. It has been such a joy to walk alongside them. As a team we have fallen in love with this place. Sisters, joined in prayer for this nation and we have been blessed to see God move.
Yet mixed with joy is sorrow.
In only 3 weeks I will have to say goodbye to these amazing women. I have grown with these ladies, and though I know we each have to continue our own stories, I am sad that we have to part.. Along with this goodbye, I am facing the reality of leaving Fiji. I have fallen in love with Fiji, and when I think about leaving.. I know that a piece of my heart is going to be left here. I am going to miss when people walk by and say Bula.. I am going to miss the way the Fijians raise their eyebrows to indicate their response is "yes." I will miss all the memories, the experiences, the culture, the people. I will cherish it forever, but its hard knowing this season is coming to a close. I have made relationships with people who have taught me so much. I have been blessed to get to know such amazing people.
But Its always a challenge to say goodbye to those you love so dearly.. especially when you aren't certain when you will say hello again.
When I think about that, I have an ache in my heart.
The Lord has used this time to stretch me and refine me. He has been so faithful during this time and I could not have asked for anything to be different. He knew exactly what I needed and what I needed to overcome. It is so difficult knowing my time here is coming to a close. The Lord is preparing me for whats next.. But when I have experienced so much growth and have seen God working so tangibly there is a part within me that doesn't want to see it end. I have been praying that the Lord gives me strength to cope with leaving Fiji.
I know he will be with me through it all.
I also have an excitement for whats to come.
Firstly, I am so excited to see the people who I love so much and have not been able to see in 9 months! I have been so blessed to have so many people supporting me during this time and I cannot wait to be reunited with them.
I know that during these last 9 months God has been teaching me things and opening my eyes to things that will impact my future. I know that he has a plan for me and its exciting to continue in this journey with him. I am so grateful for his patience with me. I look back to last year at this time and I am astounded at how much God has changed me. I remember feeling like I had no direction, no plans for my future, no vision.. I felt very uncertain of what God wanted from me or even what I wanted for myself. God has used this time to restore joy to me, to give me vision for the future, a direction, a focus!
The Lord has done so much in my life and I am so excited to come back and share! What a privilege it is to be a part of Gods work. I feel as though during this time God has awakened a passion inside of me and I want others to know. I am excited to come home and see the people who have made it possible for me to do this. I want to express what God has done and let them see the changes God has done in my life. I want to bring the great commission home! I am so excited to see my family and friends. I am excited at what God is doing at home and I am just praying for a greater heart for the people of Barrie, Ontario.
With the excitement also comes a fear of coming home.
I fear becoming the same as I was. I never want to be back in a place of just doing "Christianity".. I never want to just get caught up in programs and going to church and living life. I want to be passionate, I want to be a constant worshiper, devoted to prayer and intercession, I want to seek after true relationship with God - I want to continue to live out the things I have been taught in the past year! I have a fear that when I come home I will find it easy to just live.. to grow complacent in my walk with The Lord, to fall into old habits and lifestyles. As I have thought about coming home, this is something that has burdened my heart for the past few weeks. I know that fear is from the enemy and so I have been praying for God to help me. I know that he is preparing me for going home and I know he is going with me. I believe God has brought me through these past 9 months for a reason and he will help me through to the next season.
Learning to Trust.
I know that my walk with the Lord is a continual growing process. And so as I look forward I know that I need to Trust. God is bigger than my fears God is bigger than my struggles. I know that he has prepared me for this and I need to Trust him. I am so thankful that he goes before me and with me. As I think about this season of life coming to a close and just the feelings that go with it.. I am so thankful for the Lord. He is carrying me through. I honestly don't know how I could live with out him! I am so amazed by his patience with me. My journey is and will continue to be a choice to surrender daily and trust God with my future. I know that when he is the center, my fears vanish. He has it all figured out.. for that I am so grateful!
"When I am with you, I know who I am and who I want to be"
thank you for reading.